I doubt at this time that anyone legitimately reads my blog; I’ve only had it for a month, and now have posted for probably about a half of that month. Nevertheless, I wanted to do a post talking about why I haven’t written, or been on my blog, for a little while. The style of this post will be different than the other ones that I have written, but I still think it’s important, especially if anyone else is struggling for the same reasons that I am struggling, and they can see they’re not alone.
Over the past year, I have developed chronic fatigue. It is exactly what one would expect it to be. I feel tired almost all the time, and I wake up often not feeling like I got a good night’s sleep, but no amount of sleep will change that feeling. Sometimes I feel tired enough to where I want to fall asleep in the middle of the day, and sometimes I get a surreal feeling, as if I am in a dream and am going to wake up, but I am awake already. This feeling has made me not want to go to class or do anything with my life outside of my home, because I just feel exhausted. It also makes it so I oftentimes feel sick, because maybe my immune system isn’t as strong and I do get sick more often, or maybe, combined with the allergies I have, mimics a sickness because the combined symptoms of a runny nose, a cough, and the tiredness.
I don’t know what came first, the egg or the chicken, but I think that the onset of the fatigue also played a strong role in me developing depression. I have always had some anxiety, but I adamantly REFUSED to say that I had depression in the past, mostly because of what I learned in psychology classes. I have always felt like people sometimes mistaken a normal, regular sadness for depression, and the diagnosis of depression can be so broad that everyone in the world could be said to have depression at this very moment. People also often self-diagnose, which can sometimes be accurate, but sometimes these people are ill-informed. I am not doubting those who have mental illness (I know how that feels, as I obviously have some mental illnesses, and it feels horrible), and I think that depression is real and valid, but I shied away from saying I had depression for the longest time, until recently, when I really felt what it was truthfully like.
I had felt down or sad before, but nothing like this. There are some times that I feel the sensation of nothing. Being a writer and a story lover, I feed off of narrative. I love to experience the full range of human emotion in all different ways. I think that was what was so strange about depression, and what helped me differentiate the feelings of normal sadness with depression: I didn’t feel anything. I felt nothing. And that was scary. I know I am oversimplifying the feeling, but I am still struggling with this. Some days are better than others. But, I think when I have the energy to get up and do more things again my depression will get better. I am also planning on going to therapy once again to hopefully figure these feelings out further.
That is pretty much why I haven’t been on my blog a lot: the fatigue and depression. Gosh, it still is weird to me to say I have depression. Lately it has been pretty bad. Because of this, I feel like this whole first semester of college has been a bust; I’ve had a hard time adjusting, and my drive for academics has gone way down, which is a sharp contrast to what I was like in high school, where I took multiple AP and honors classes and was incredibly academic. It was part of my identity, and now it feels lost. I am not doing well in college classes at all, but I am hoping that I can do better next semester by realizing my workload has to change now that I have fatigue and to do the best that I can with the smaller amount of energy I have.
And, just a note: I don’t want to get too into it now, but I have done a lot to test to see what is causing my fatigue, including multiple blood tests, which I was previously horrified of. No tests have yielded any results yet. But I am planning on doing a post about my fatigue in more detail and what I have tried to do to combat it and figure out what’s causing it. I’d also like to go into more depth about what is causing some of my depression in some other posts.
I thought about this a couple of weeks ago. 2016 has been a really bad year for me personally. I learned a lot about myself in terms of my needs as I’ve grown, my sexuality, what I want to do with the rest of my life, etc. as the year has gone by, but mostly by way of painful things. I’d like to make a post about why 2016 was one of the worst years for me, with hopefully finding lessons in all of the crap that’s happened. I kind of feel like a character that an author is putting through an obstacle course of life and mental events to try to find out what kind of person I’ll be in their story. At least, by the end of the course, I’ll have some more character development!
Sorry for the seemingly pessimistic post; I just wanted to use it as an outlet to get some of this stuff off my chest.
But I wish anyone else in a similar situation as me luck in figuring out their chronic fatigue and depression!
Have a good day!